Discourse 5.4: Fear vs. Trust

The Perpetual Battle of Life

As always, previous Discourse adds context and depth. This short essay was inspired by a conversation with my youngest daughter about the concept of fear and will be mostly directed towards my children. However, this does not mean this is a children’s story. We all struggle with fear in our own way until the day we die. In fact, I have to remind myself numerous times a day there is an ultimate weapon against fear, that being of having trust in God.

Like most children, both of mine have gone through a phase about being scared of the dark. While my oldest has seemingly moved past this, my youngest still goes through phases where she will lose her fear but then it will return as she conjures new things to come at her from the dark. At times she has been hard on herself for being afraid of the dark, each time I have explained that fear of the dark is a natural biological driver, an innate protective mechanism to assist with our survival. Of course, I discuss this on a level that she can understand at her age, often equating it to a reflex, just of the mind, to protect her from things that used to hunt humans in the dark. This did not mean she was “weak”.  

Last night she said something to me that caused me to shift how I explained this concept of fear to her. She said “But Dad, you are not afraid of anything. How do I get like you where I am not afraid of the dark, or anything else?” She then rattled off a list of things that I have done as examples of my fearlessness, thinking those meant that I did not have fear.

On the one hand, as her father, I have done something right. Her perception of me as being fearless has given her that rock of comfort, a certain knowledge that I will shield her from the storms and the wolves that come to our door. The most important thing any parent can do for their children is to provide them with a sense of safety, so to that point I am thankful.

However, on the other hand there comes a point in time during the rearing of children where they must be given knowledge about the struggle of this world and how to meet it head on. There are things in the dark. As I have discussed elsewhere, too often in our modern world children are not given the knowledge of this struggle, let alone the tools to combat it. Undoubtedly, this has contributed to the infantilization of society, where each generation has fewer coping skills than the previous. This goes hand in hand with each generation producing individuals with poorly trained sentiments, which leads to men without chests. (a society without chests as I have said elsewhere) This is because the battle space for all of these things is located within our individual minds, an arena that is too often left up for chance instead of deliberate choice.

 We must develop our children’s mind so they may arm themselves against the wiles of the devil… and the fears that will constantly assault our mind. The old stoic saying comes to mind:

“The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action, advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

-Marcus Aurelius (From Meditations)

I explained to her that in me what she sees is not an absence of fear, but a conquering of it. A daily conquest. Fear never goes away; it is the perpetual battle of life.  To children fear arrives with things that may seem trivial and foolish to adults, but the feeling they experience is no less real than the feeling an adult has when they worry about not paying their bills or being evicted and out on the street with their family. The elevated heart rate, the sweats, the uncertainty of what next month will bring… is just like the uncertainty of wondering just what is it behind my closet door…

So do not tell your children that their fear is not valid, because they objectively know that it is there. What we need to articulate to them is that it is fear itself that is the obstacle, and that must be overcome within our own minds. What causes us fear is different when we are children versus what it is when we are adults, but the process of facing it remains the same. It never goes away, but we can get better at addressing it the more we try. And try we must!

Naturally, there are levels of fear as well as some types of fear are easier to manage than others. There is after all a difference between fear as a product of excess worry and fear of being bombarded in a war zone. I hope the reader, and my children, understand the difference. You can only control what you can, the rest must be entrusted to a higher power. But as a first step… do not conjure unnecessary terror in your mind. Such intrusive terrors we must learn to dismiss, much like intrusive thoughts. We must manage our minds, cultivate that garden and keep it free from weeds.

In life, regardless of source, fear can become paralyzing.  It is the impediment to action, the obstacle that becomes the way. Meaning, we must stand and face it, but we do not have to do this alone. But learning to do so we must, and it starts during childhood. For myself, the key has to do with trusting in God. Just like the leap of faith, where belief is justified through subjective truth, trust in God must be absolute. It will be ok. Why? Because it will be.

With absolute trust, what could possibly be in the dark that could stand against the almighty? With absolute trust, we know that beyond the obstacle God will indeed make a way.

We do not need to explain it, we just need to believe it.

Roosevelt (while not a big fan) was right that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. It is fear that becomes our enemy if we let it. We must battle it every day and put it in its place. This trust is a choice, one that must be made new everyday of our lives.

We must make sure that our trust in God is larger than our fear. In doing so, we can see clearly beyond the obstacles, beyond the darkness, beyond the thorns that cover our path. The bulwark against fear is trust in Jesus Christ, through him all things become possible. Even fearlessness.

So, teach your children to walk through the valley of the shadow of death without fear of evil, for our God is always with us. Always waiting with an open hand… all you have to do is choose.